Monday, September 13, 2010

T.O. Luv: Literary Speed-Dating & Ill-informed Ryderz

As I stated previously, I'm a lonely and misshapen clod with low self-esteem and socialization issues.  Consequently, I was genuinely surprised to receive flirtatious messages via Biking Toronto's internal messaging system:


Since my profile is empty, I can't fathom what this person could see in me.  Perhaps they're just really into shallow, vacuous people?  If so, they'd have better luck flirting with patrons of the Dark Horse Espresso Bar, where the simple act of pulling out an iPad causes a measurable increase in the café's humidity levels.

Either way, I'm skeptical that this relationship would blossom and I would encourage my secret flame to send their missives elsewhere.

Moving on, I was recently accosted by an advertisement for the Toronto Bicycle Music Festival.  I'm a little concerned by the header image featuring various musicians with one pant leg rolled up.  Ironic hip hop throwbacks being all the rage with the white folks of today, I fear this may be a poorly thought out reference to the west coast gangster fashion popularized by the likes of LL Cool J in the heady days of yesteryear:

 
The gangsta allusions are especially unfortunate because in authentic gangsta culture (a 20-through-40something white yuppie would accept nothing less) the car is the modal ideal of the affluent, whereas the bicycle is the modal necessity of the chump.  Heady west coast gangsta of yesteryear, Coolio, models this cultural attitude well in his epochal masterpiece "Fantastic Voyage."

Here, a benighted Coolio languishes in despair and denies an offer to rollick with some "females" because he is stranded by his modal necessity:


However, through the cinematic device of deuce ex machina, The Mack materializes to save the afternoon:



...and transforms Coolio's bicycle in dazzling early 90s SFX!


...into a modal choice much more amenable to his aspirations:



Certainly, by consulting the city's official guide to safe cycling infrastructure to plan a safe route that accommodates all levels of riding ability, pre-riding the route, appointing ride marshals, filing an application for a parade permit, printing spoke cards, etc. Coolio & The Gang could organize an in promptu afternoon group ride to the waterfront, even stopping to sample locally grown, sustainably harvested, organic pastries from various co-operative cafés along the way.  If done to suitably 'ill beatz', such an event would certainly be within the scope of the Toronto Bicycle Music Festival's agenda.

However, if you're nodding in agreement, I regret to inform you that you're too white to hang with Coolio & The Gang.  If you're now marshaling your indignation to interject that bicycle culture should be inclusive of all forms of cycling and that west coast gansta bicycle culture (if the oxymoronic depth of that sentence doesn't phase you, well...) can be actively assimilated into bicycle culture in general because it shares many points of tangency, including an especially rich bike art tradition:


...and a predilection for bangin' sound systems while riding:


I again regret to quash your good intentions.  Unfortunately, what may appear to you to be a rich and indigenous North American cycling tradition, in the eyes of everyone else looks something more like this:

Note the gang sign for local hoodlums, Da Limp Dikz
...and this is hardly the image that should be associated with cycling in Toronto.  The one we have is bad enough.  Consequently, I would encourage the organizers of the Toronto Bicycle Music Festival to eschew ironic references to cultures they've absorbed entirely through music videos and instead create something more meaningful to the good people of Toronto.

And by that I do not mean this:



1 comment:

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