Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Spadina Ave: Pathway to Enlightenment?

Being a misshapen and awkward clod, I sometimes need to resuscitate my self-esteem.  Rather than splurge on a new Crayon set, I console myself by strolling down Spadina Ave and gazing upon those less fortunate than I.  In other words, I stand out front of the Dark Horse Espresso Bar and point and laugh at the foppish exhibitionists huddled around its oaken harvest tables, morbidly obsessing over 'strategically positioned' textiles and conspicuously consuming the baked and brewed equivalent of class pretension.

Having thusly calmed my spirit this past Monday, I turned to plod back from whence I'd came ...when my eyes fell upon it:



At first I thought I'd encountered yet another instance of the hottest trend amongst Dutch cyclists: advanced locking freestyles.  Then my eye chanced upon the red tag tied to the handle bars, boding ominously.  With the practiced hamfistedness of an Uncle Jacob's mechanic, I flipped the note over on its bars and saddle and read:

Constoopid say, "BiKe RACKS ARE For BiKes Not Street SIgns."

At this time I would like to pause for a moment and make the following Public Service Announcement:  For those who haven't tried it, writing is really, really hard work.  The outlining, the rough drafting, the erasing and subsequent desperate pulling of ideas out of one's ass can all be exhausting.  Added to the labour of putting piffle to paper are the strictures of spelling, syntax, punctuation, grammar, stylistic and conceptual coherence, and so forth.  Nonetheless the desire to communicate spurs one on like the promise of $3 spurs on a bike messenger.  Yet the hotblooded desire to communicate must be restrained by the chaste temperance of good grammar.  In other words, when dangling, watch your participle.

The lowly croissant preserves modesty.

Our author likely conceived himself as striking a vengeful and devastating blow to the Toronto cycling community's hubris and sense of entitlement by reminding us through his act of menacing vigilantism that we should know our bike's place: shackled to the appropriate facilities rather than cluttering up the street scape of Spadina Ave like mechanical graffiti.  However, I think our author would benefit more from a bit of fresh air, a bowl of organic fairly-traded puddin', and a good book, such as Sun Tzu's "The Art of War" with the relevant sections about 'Picking Your Battles' highlighted for his convenience.

Amusingly, however, the author's observation is both technically correct and socially valuable for the same reason that "Dead Eye" Dick Cheney was actually a pretty good shot: both made slight but meaningful progress in the advancement of the public good, however aimless their own small gestures may have been.  Verily, I was profoundly edified to learn that bike racks were intended for locking bikes, not for locking street signs.  In the spirit of all that is genuine and pure, I confess that such an item of civil decorum never once crossed my mind until that moment.  I apologize and bow obsequiously in deference to our author's wisdom.




In other news Rob Ford has, in a rare moment of stunning brilliance, identified the sole source of Toronto's traffic congestion: stop signs, speed bumps, and street cars.  All these years I'd thought it was just excess volume squeezing its fat ass down the chimney of inadequate capacity, but Ford's revelation has shown me the dawn of a new day!  Just imagine how much faster traffic would flow if we removed the stop signs from the 401 and Don Valley Parkway!  How briskly we'd fly along The Gardiner Expressway if we tore the streetcar tracks from its sprawling six lanes!


What penetrating brilliance!  What striking leadership!  It almost brings tears to my eyes...

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