Stupid Bikes: Mechanical Graffiti or Hermenutical Key?

In my quest to understand Toronto's cycling ethos, I study the bicycles I see shackled about the core.  The variety initially seems endless, but the human tendency to conformity eventually prevails and trends become apparent.  As cycling becomes increasingly popular one's modal choice of transportation fails to differentiate oneself from the herd, necessitating the aesthetic mitosis of bicycle design to various alt.cultures.

While some find solace by huddling together with like-minded and like-aesthetic-ed individuals [*insert predictable hipsters on fixies jab here*], others, having failed to distinguish themselves intellectually, financially, or socially, attempt to distinguish themselves visually by distorting their bicycle to absurdist heights as seen in this epic comfort bike on Spadina Ave:

Having your front V-Brake undone is the bicycle equivalent to having your fly open.

 And (unfortunately) yet again on Adelaide St:

The above owner even eschews basic social standards like using the correct quill stem clamp diameter or fastener type:

The owner proudly pointed out the weight savings achieved by drilling it out.

Reared on Martha Stewart and various other sundry kraftwerks, some attempt to differentiate themselves through conspicuous appliqués of DIYism.  Labouring under the strictures of penury, some DIYers attempt to convert their vintage department store cruisers into the luscious Batavus they covet through the method of found-object curation, as is seen on the colour co-ordinated oven rack skirt-guard seen here on Spadina Ave:

Still others attempt to recreate the suppleness and comfort of the Brooks saddle through the careful appliqué of vintage fabrics, as seen on this abomination on Queen St W:

The Cotton Ass Hammock's advanced textiles wick ass moisture.

While some may label these aberrations of good taste and good design as further aberrations from cycling culture in Toronto, I would disagree.  These bikes are normal.  Aesthetics aside, these bicycles are fundamentally akin to almost every other bike in Toronto: disposable, poorly maintained, rarely used, and likely ridden with the same asshat carelessness that characterizes most cyclists in Toronto.  Carelessness is the grand unifying theme, and it's rooted ultimately in Toronto's perception of cycling as a trivial and insignificant pursuit.

Torontonians, having being suckled on department store boneshakers that were to be ridden on sidewalks, understand bicycles according to two sacred truths:

Bicycles should be cheap.  Anyone who has worked in a bicycle shop knows that, dandies and the delusional aside, most customers are vice-fisted racoons who "don't want to spend too much" to fix the bike that happened to (wonder of wonders!) spontaneously combust while they were "just riding along."  They don't want to spend too much because their bicycles are just inexpensive trifles and, as such, should not to be taken too seriously (read 'maintained').

Biking is like walking ...but different.  The bothersome inconveniences of social consideration, traffic planning, and self-preservation compel otherwise sensible individuals to take the path of most resistance  ...mainly because it appears shorter.  For many Torontonians, riding a bicycle is only a subtle variation of walking and the straightest line is the ideal trajectory; hence the rich similarities in strategy between the average Toronto pedestrian (read 'self-absorbed jaywalking imbecile')  and average Toronto cyclist.  Unfortunately, the tendency of the average Toronto cyclist to not die during their hastening from A to B only reinforces the behaviour.

In Toronto, taking cycling seriously is abnormal behaviour.  Pundits routinely divide Toronto cyclists into (a) serious/avid/compulsive-obsessive cyclists and (b) people who ride a bike.  The former are a minority.  The latter represent the dominant attitude in Toronto.  Here, driving a car is normal.  Backing over your CCM Medalist with your car and then walking it into a bike shop and telling the bike mechanic with a straight face that "It doesn't shift right" is normal.  Riding a crappy off-road bike with full-spring suspension along the sidewalk in an urban setting and failing to realize how retarded the whole picture is ...is normal.

In Toronto spending money on your bike and actually riding it, on the road, to a  destination more than five kilometres a way is strange.  Don't believe me?  Try it sometime and then mention your behaviour to some fellow and watch their reaction.

We're the weird ones.